Choices

Today, I am in a storytelling mood despite having an exam in Cell Biology tomorrow. It’s surprising how the brain works - finding reasons and ways to not work when you need it the most. But I have punished my brain enough, trying to remember details of the cell cycle regulation and cell signalling pathways. Hence, I decided to tell the story of how I ended up in the place I am - at the Tata Institute of Fundamental Research, Mumbai, pursuing my first year as a PhD scholar.

I had decided to pursue research and stick to academia at a very early stage of my college life. With that objective, I also took efforts to make that happen. Working in laboratories, going on internships, staying at college whilst all my family members were at a function. It definitely was not easy. But by the end of the coursework, when the time came to apply to PhD positions, I was confident that my profile would mean something to interested PIs and that I would soon be in a lab of my interest.

Then came the reality check. I had applied to around 12 institutes in Europe and from each one of them, I got a nicely worded, polite email rejecting me. It was heartbreaking and demotivating. It didn’t help that I was already on antidepressants at the time. ‘So now I am both mentally sick and incompetent.’ was the thought. Though rejection emails always come with a disclaimer of ‘Please note that this says nothing about your capabilities’, it’s hard to keep it impersonal.

On the side, I had also applied to Indian institutes, but the application and interview processes were so unimaginative and in general, lacked the ‘we welcome open ideas and discussions’ environment such that I had given up on them too. I decided to take a year’s break and work someplace as a Project Assistant or so. I conveyed my decision to my parents - who were really trying hard to be supportive of my career and hence, accepted it with a tinge of anguish.

This happened on a weekend, and the next week I had my interviews at TIFR. I am not a morning person and at 8 in the morning, I was still deliberating whether or not to get up for my interview at 8:30. I finally gave in, thinking ‘Why not?’. I have asked myself a lot of ‘Why not?’s in life. But this would be among the most significant ones. At the end of the first round, I came out of my room telling my family ‘This is how a PhD interview should be like.’ At the end of the second round of interviews, I said ‘If I go further, I may consider joining’. After the one-on-one interactions with the PIs, I knew that this is a place where I would grow as a person and researcher.

So here I am nearly two months into my new position, looking back at those ‘dark’ days. Without a doubt, for most of us, the transition from University at an Undergrad or Postgrad level to the next stage is the most difficult period we have come across until then. I suppose there are much more upcoming in the future, but I am inexperienced to comment on them at this stage.

Why is this so difficult? I asked myself. I looked back to the choices I had made earlier in life. Choosing Biology in high school. Choosing Medical Nanotechnology at University. That’s when it struck me that it has everything to do with choices. I remember watching a MindField episode on Freedom of Choice. In the episode, Michael demonstrates an experiment with jelly beans where he limits the number of choices in one group to two flavours, while in the other group he has people choose one from over 20 different flavours. His results demonstrated that people with fewer choices were likely to be happy with their decisions, while those with many always felt like they should have gone with another flavour.

Now let’s extend the jelly bean experiment to real life. In high school, I had a very simple choice - take biology, computer science, or commerce. It helped that the choices were widely different so that I could get clarity on what I wanted to pursue. The sample space increased as I grew older. Do I work in industry or go for higher studies, where do I study, which field do I take up. Correspondingly increased the sample space of consequences of my choices. Will I be able to sustain myself taking this role, will I be able to provide for my family, will I be happy, and so on.

Having to consider so many options as a young adult coming out of classes and assignments is achingly challenging. In the end, there’s always something better we feel we could have landed. Maybe there is. Or maybe there isn’t and it’s a matter of perception. We are led to believe that our choices are irreversible, permanent and that we cannot escape their consequences. In fact, while writing this article I found tons of quotes that want you to believe and accept that! However, I do not believe that. Maybe it’s the idealistic optimism in me that says the following. We’re always free to choose our purpose - by directing both our thoughts and actions towards it.

Dumbledore, as always was right in this case as well - It indeed is our choices that matter far more than our abilities. My life so far has been a trial and error game - in terms of career, friendships, relationships, and purpose. The goal is to learn from each outcome and do better in the next trial. I am happier, and more importantly with a resolve when I believe this.