A Remembrall for Elisa Lam

I never thought this would be something I admit in public, but I guess, the incidents that have the most impact in one’s life are unprecedented. So a brief introduction to me - I am a 22 year old Masters student, living what I consider to be a good life. I have all the reasons to be perfectly contented - I study something I actually like, have a beautiful family, and friends who are truly family. To an outsider, my life seems perfect. Hell, it should seem perfect to me. But there’s this saying in one of my most favourite Hindi movies Kabhi Khushi Kabhi Gham, “When you look from the outside, all you see is happiness. But the closer you come, the harder will the unfulfillment hit you” So coming to the point - I have been diagnosed with depression and I have been taking antidepressants for over a year now.

Countless times have I asked myself the question Why? It’s not a Why me? It’s more like a restlessness, a despair - What happened that pushed me over the edge? Why do I feel sad when I know that there are people who are less privileged than me? But there never is an answer that comforts one, you know? I have made peace with it - at least I have been trying to. It doesn’t matter why. All that matters now is “I have a choice. I can choose to look at things with a perspective that brings me happiness.” This is the mantra that I live with nowadays. And it’s been going quite well.

So why am I admitting to this when I am feeling better, you might ask. I just finished watching Crime Scene - The Vanishing at the Cecil Hotel. It’s truly a tragic event - the mysterious disappearance of a 21 year old Canadian student touring LA - Elisa Lam. 19 days after her disappearance, her corpse was found in the water tank at Cecil Hotel where she was staying. Her death was ruled as accidental drowning, where the police suspected that her bipolar disorder caused her to have delusions that she was being pursued, leading her to hide in the tank, as a means of refuge. Unfortunately, once in, there was no way out and she died.

Sad and tragic though her death was, her life is what that struck me, the thoughts and feelings of a stranger that felt so comfortingly like mine. I know this because Elisa was a frequent blogger on Tumblr, and the series did great justice to her life by quoting her posts, weaving them into the story, making her story much more than her tragic last days. Reading her posts on Tumblr made me want to write this, as a tribute, to someone whom I could relate to more than anyone else I know on planet Earth.

For people like us, life predominantly has two phases - one where we're motivated, feel like we need to use our talents to contribute something to the world, feel big and important and the other, where we barely are able to make our way out of the bed, despairing about the insignificance of our human selves in the vastness of this Universe. There are days of work followed by days of laying on bed, doing absolutely nothing. It's a vicious cycle. A continuous effort, to remind oneself that there are people to whom we matter, there are the small moments of happiness that we can find, there are moments where we could make someone's lives better. I wish I was there for Elisa, telling this to her when she gave up on her medication. I wish I was there to remind her that the medicines don't make her weak. That they are proof that she was doing everything in her capacity to fight for her life.

But alas, she isn't here and all that remains are her posts. Her words reflect the purity of her thoughts - the thoughts of a person who simply wanted to be the best version of herself. I remember reading one post that struck the right chords within me -

"I don't think people love me. They love versions of me I have spun for them, versions of me they have construed in their minds. The easy versions of me, the easy parts of me to love. Who's going to love the girl who can't stop crying? The girl that hurts herself? The girl that is losing control? The girl that is so sad she can't get out of bed? The girl that keeps pushing everyone away? Who's going to love the monster in me, who's going to love me now?"

Elisa, I can't tell you how much this mirrors my own fears. I've spent so many sleepless nights where I never believed that anyone could ever put up with me. But you know what? I am wrong. Watching the series and reading your Tumblr posts made me just want to hug you real tight and tell you, "I can definitely imagine myself falling in love with you even for the darker thoughts."

The thought that she might have not believed or felt this when she died is upsetting. Do you know why? It was she who made me believe that I can be loved. Reading her posts and seeing people describe the emotions they felt on her death, make me hopeful. Surely there is someone who would feel the way for me what I feel for her now?!

And for this hope, I want to thank you Elisa. I have never been a believer of after life. But a small part of me can't help but wish that you could see the impact you have created for not just me - but for people like us. To my fellow Harry Potter fan, here's a toast to you, "I'll remember you forever" ❤️